So, last summer, God began revealing to me the underlying reasons for my inability to move forward with certain areas of life. He revealed a heart condition that had gone undetected by me for many years. However, in His divine omniscience He waited for the perfect time to unveil this mystery to me. A time when I was able to respond in an appropriate spiritual and emotional manner. A time when it would not unravel me, but rather propel me forward, running into His arms for comfort, holding on to His hand for guidance. What He showed me forever changed my age old excuse of not having enough time for the things He has asked me to do.

The Lord revealed to me that throughout my life, I have not established a pattern of wisdom. I have not held to a series of standards that move me forward in a positive direction, but rather I have chosen values and behaviors that keep me stuck. And without that series of healthy habits, I have created a deeply engrained and somewhat subconscious belief that I cannot finish things well. He’s not talking about the millions of little things and projects in life that I start and finish on a daily basis. No, not those. He is talking about the big things in life. And this deeply engrained fear keeps me from taking some much needed steps of faith.

Of course I was not pleased with this revelation because I have always been so proud of my ability to work hard and get things done. I make the grade, I give my all and I do my absolute best! What could God possibly be referring to? Doesn’t He know that I am the epitome of an overachiever, a Type A personality who is supremely organized and prepared to single-handedly take on the world!? Surely He knows this about me! Maybe He needed reminded? Do you ever find yourself trying to remind God of who you are and what you’ve done, as if somehow you will earn some extra favor? Who are we kidding?! Well, after I took it upon myself to remind Him of whom I was, He began to gently remind me of whom I really am. Deep inside. In the places I don’t dare look. He revealed parts of my heart that I had not yet recognized or reconciled with. He humbled me…my least favorite feeling in the world.

He showed me the lack of faith that is attached to my pride and self-sufficiency. He challenged me: “Chiantel, over the years you have learned to rely only on yourself. You have no room for Me.” Ouch. “Look back at the big decisions you have made in life and tell Me where I was. Look back at those pivotal, life-changing moments where you totally fought against what I had for you.” Okay, yah I remember now… “Deep inside, you are wrestling with one of your greatest fears-failure. You are afraid to commit to Me because your past has lied to you and you have believed that commitment isn’t worth anything. You have believed that things fall apart in the middle of commitment, so why bother sticking it out. You have chosen to be loyal to your feelings, fears and failures instead of being loyal to Me and My truth.”

Now I understand. Now I know what God was referring to and I can’t even argue. He’s right. My negligence to my calling is not due to a lack of time, it’s due to a lack of trust. Trust that God can and will see me through the things that are so much bigger than me. Trust that He really is sufficient. That He is faithful to do what His Word says He will do, and that I do not need to rely on my VERY menial and fleeting abilities. Trust that, “His Word [REALLY DOES] cause me to step away from the comfort zone of my natural abilities and into the realm of His supernatural POSSIBILITIES!”-Priscilla Schirrer.  The Lord is now helping me believe something new. That I really can do all things through Christ. That Chiantel can step aside because God’s got this.