Well, Friday marked the last day of my last class before I finally graduate college! Hello new life!!! So nice to meet ya! I feel like a completely different person today! This weekend is one out of a handful of weekends in 6 years that I do not have any homework to do!! I can barely contain myself. The huge burden of endless reading, testing and writing research papers has been lifted. Hallelujah! Is it even possible that I am finally entering a new season of life?!

As I stare my newly acquired hours in the face, the possibilities of what to fill them with seem endless. I am dreaming of all the new ways I’m going to spend my time:

Writing (anyone else curious how someone starts a blog in October and by March of the next year there are only 4 entries?!! Hmmm…Maybe I’ll get back to that), scrapbooking (still working on my kids’ baby albums and my youngest will be 13!), organizing (there is never ending clutter control going on in my house at all times. For me, external decluttering = internal decluttering!), cleaning out the basement (or should I say, the overloaded, downstairs storage unit that is rapidly beginning to resemble an episode of Hoarders-Buried Alive), walking our family dog (if it wasn’t for my sweet son, the dog would have totally forgotten what this process looks like by now!), working out (I’ve seen the gym 5 times since last June!), reading a book a month again (I’m still trying to finish Ann Voskamp’s “One Thousand Gifts”, which I started back in 2014) bible studies (“over-yessing” myself led to me pulling out of women’s fall and spring studies this year)…and I’m pretty sure you are getting the picture!

I am looking forward to not only doing all of these things, but ENJOYING them! Somehow throughout school I managed to do most of the things I wanted to, but more often than not I was stressed out and not enjoying the journey. Things that were supposed to be fun and exciting or relaxing simply became more stuff on the to-do list. You know something’s wrong when date night becomes 2 people catching up on chores night. Just sayin.

After the excitement of compiling my new lists, I sat back and reviewed them and suddenly I was overwhelmed again. This can’t be right! Alas, here lays my first struggle – my desire to be busy doing a million things all at once. I have learned, the hard way mind you, that no one can do a million things, all at once, to the glory of God. Stretching yourself too thin only makes for an overwhelmed heart and an underwhelmed soul. I think Lysa Terkeurst taught me that. I have also learned that I personally cannot do everything on my endless to-do lists, unless I allow God to create the list. Herein lays my second struggle-setting my agenda aside so I can do what God has asked me to do. Yes, I still whine on the inside, and sometimes (okay a lot of times) on the outside, when I don’t get my way. Needless to say, surrendering my hours to God is a challenge for me. I want to do what I want to do.

BUT, since I know this about myself and I am learning from my past mistakes of “over-yessing”, and committing to too much of the wrong things, I am determined to have a different approach this time. This new season will have to include some much needed changes. Changes that will allow my family to have more time together, changes that will bring me rest, relaxation and restoration, changes that will strengthen my marriage and that will allow for me to be more effective in ministry. The biggest change needs to be the quantity and quality of time spent with God. It is only through Him that any changes will have a fighting chance of surviving in this house. Lord knows I continually fail to do change well. And consistency is not my strong suit either. Lord, help me.

Yesterday as I thought about some possible life changes, I knew I needed some inspiration. God often inspires me through my love for reading so off to the Christian bookstore I went. I found a book by Jessica Turner called The Fringe Hours that caught my attention. I purchased it and this morning I read Chapter 1- “Pursuing Balance”. What a fitting place to start on my journey towards better spending my time. For the next few days I will be in the process of evaluating what matters most-step one of my journey. I am going to take my time with this one. Lord knows I can’t afford to keep striving after that which does not pertain to my role in His kingdom agenda. Well, here’s to the next thing. Whatever that means! I hope you’ll join me on the journey!

So, last summer, God began revealing to me the underlying reasons for my inability to move forward with certain areas of life. He revealed a heart condition that had gone undetected by me for many years. However, in His divine omniscience He waited for the perfect time to unveil this mystery to me. A time when I was able to respond in an appropriate spiritual and emotional manner. A time when it would not unravel me, but rather propel me forward, running into His arms for comfort, holding on to His hand for guidance. What He showed me forever changed my age old excuse of not having enough time for the things He has asked me to do.

The Lord revealed to me that throughout my life, I have not established a pattern of wisdom. I have not held to a series of standards that move me forward in a positive direction, but rather I have chosen values and behaviors that keep me stuck. And without that series of healthy habits, I have created a deeply engrained and somewhat subconscious belief that I cannot finish things well. He’s not talking about the millions of little things and projects in life that I start and finish on a daily basis. No, not those. He is talking about the big things in life. And this deeply engrained fear keeps me from taking some much needed steps of faith.

Of course I was not pleased with this revelation because I have always been so proud of my ability to work hard and get things done. I make the grade, I give my all and I do my absolute best! What could God possibly be referring to? Doesn’t He know that I am the epitome of an overachiever, a Type A personality who is supremely organized and prepared to single-handedly take on the world!? Surely He knows this about me! Maybe He needed reminded? Do you ever find yourself trying to remind God of who you are and what you’ve done, as if somehow you will earn some extra favor? Who are we kidding?! Well, after I took it upon myself to remind Him of whom I was, He began to gently remind me of whom I really am. Deep inside. In the places I don’t dare look. He revealed parts of my heart that I had not yet recognized or reconciled with. He humbled me…my least favorite feeling in the world.

He showed me the lack of faith that is attached to my pride and self-sufficiency. He challenged me: “Chiantel, over the years you have learned to rely only on yourself. You have no room for Me.” Ouch. “Look back at the big decisions you have made in life and tell Me where I was. Look back at those pivotal, life-changing moments where you totally fought against what I had for you.” Okay, yah I remember now… “Deep inside, you are wrestling with one of your greatest fears-failure. You are afraid to commit to Me because your past has lied to you and you have believed that commitment isn’t worth anything. You have believed that things fall apart in the middle of commitment, so why bother sticking it out. You have chosen to be loyal to your feelings, fears and failures instead of being loyal to Me and My truth.”

Now I understand. Now I know what God was referring to and I can’t even argue. He’s right. My negligence to my calling is not due to a lack of time, it’s due to a lack of trust. Trust that God can and will see me through the things that are so much bigger than me. Trust that He really is sufficient. That He is faithful to do what His Word says He will do, and that I do not need to rely on my VERY menial and fleeting abilities. Trust that, “His Word [REALLY DOES] cause me to step away from the comfort zone of my natural abilities and into the realm of His supernatural POSSIBILITIES!”-Priscilla Schirrer.  The Lord is now helping me believe something new. That I really can do all things through Christ. That Chiantel can step aside because God’s got this.

Let’s just face it-new beginnings are hard. Change has a way of revealing our true character, and sometimes that person is ugly. In dealing with some of my life’s current changes, I have come face to face with parts of me that I was certain had died with my old self! Changes force us out of our comfort zones, removing us from the status quo and thrusting us headlong into the unknown. In our culture, we try to dress up “change”. We attempt to make changes more tolerable by attaching labels and slogans to them. Now, instead of making difficult changes, we make “fresh starts” and are encouraged that change does not have to intimidate us and happen quickly, but rather it begins with one step in the right direction. We make it sound so easy…afterall, it’s only one step. How hard can it be? Oftentimes our first step comes at a great cost. And the steps that follow cost just as much, if not more.